38 weeks.....SO CLOSE TO THE END

How far along? 38 weeks HOLY SHIT
How big is the snowman? He's the length of a leek this week apparently.  My Sprout app says that he can weigh up to 7 lbs at this point on average which is just SO WEIRD.
Total weight gain/loss?  232 ish.....so up about 10lbs overall from when we transferred.  Although if I keep up the super healthy cookie dough diet I've been on lately I can see that shooting WAY up soon.
Maternity clothes?  I've reached the point where pants in any form are just not fun.  Leggings are better than jeans.  My legs are swelling so by the end of the day its hard to get my pants off over my calves, nothing makes you feel better about yourself than seeing the indention of your compression socks pattern in your leg every night.....
Sleep?  I'm starting to wake up and not always be able to go back to sleep.  Monday morning I woke up at 4am thirsty as hell, drank some water, then realized I needed some tums, then realized that it wasn't just acid reflux it was cramping and maybe some contractions then added in some nausea just for shits and giggles.  I was up until about 6ish, fell back asleep till it was past time to go to work and ended up 20 minutes late.  So that's how sleep has been going. 
Best moment this week? SPENCER GOT A NEW JOB! He will finish out the year at Jason's Deli, and start his new job mid way through January so he will hopefully have 2 full weeks at home with the baby and I.  No nights, no weekends, no holidays.  I just can't.  It's been a great 15 years with Jason's Deli, and I know he's sad to leave. He keeps telling me that this group of employees are some of his favorites, and I know he really enjoys working with his GM too.  This is such a game changer for our family though, I'm so excited. 
Symptoms? I'm just going to go through ALL the symptoms I can remember having over the course of this pregnancy:
1) Nausea: thought it was gone after 20 weeks but NOPE its randomly coming back now in the 3rd trimester which is just rude really
2) Carpal Tunnel: this one started out not so bad, but holy shitballs has it gotten worse the last few weeks.  I can feel my hands about 40% of the time, which is great when you are driving, typing or attempting to you know....use your hands.
3)Tiredness: after the initial 1st trimester has been not too bad, the waking up 4x a night to pee or drink more water (leading to having to pee) has taken its toll on this one though and its coming back.
4) Swelling: started when I was in TX and was mostly situational, lots of heat lots of walking etc.  Now its just "oh is it past 2pm, cool I'm swelling".  If I get compression socks on BEFORE I swell I can usually keep my ankles in check, but if I'm even slightly puffy I might as well not even bother.  I end up looking like this....

5) Achy muscles: If I don't take my natural calm magnesium supplement I notice my legs are just achy and tired.  I haven't had any Charlie horses or spasm type cramps though and I'm so grateful.  Last night my lower back hurt whenever I walked around, but today its fine.  My upper back has been a little sore (my chiro said she can tell I'm compensating for the belly based on how tight my middle and upper back are) but I've been going to get chair and foot massages the last few weeks and its helped SO MUCH. I also told Spence I think I may be getting a touch of plantar fasciitis but hopefully we're so close to the end it will clear up easily after baby gets here. 
6) Bathroom issues: my constant companion.  Natural Calm and Colace have been life savers.  That's all.
Food cravings?  I'd like all the sugar please.  ALL OF I

T. 

Food aversions?  If its green, leafy or healthy I'm pretty much not interested.

Gender? team blue!

Labor signs? not as many as I'd like!  I think I've been having some "real" contractions occasionally, but honestly I'm not sure.  I've had cramping, pressure, and a few times where I've had to stop and be like "huh that hurts lets quit that now", its my first kid I have NO IDEA what I'm looking for people! 

Belly button in or out? in...but barely lol.  Spence noticed the other night that its clearly almost ready to pop out.  I'm still really hoping it stays in bc it'll freak me out if it pops out!

What I miss? its still raw fish and booze. 

What I'm looking forward to?  I want to hold the baby.  I want to meet him and start to get to know his personality.  I want to see Spencer as a dad because he is truly going to rock at it. 

Milestones?  He can literally come at any point and no one would think he was "early".  Christmas is next week and we're having my out of town family stay with us for a few nights, so we put up a Christmas tree.   I've seen a few of these types of pictures floating around The Bump and wanted to try and recreate it (Isaac was a trooper and totally earned the cookie I was holding at my stomach to keep him on the chair and looking at me lol), Spence and I had a lot of fun putting up the tree, getting the lights up, and having a mini photo shoot.  We also stayed up till almost 1am just talking and laughing and him getting to feel the baby move around a lot.  It was a fantastic night.

Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are the last 3 weeks of pictures!

35 weeks

How far along? 35 weeks and 1 day....I've been a slacker on posting.
How big is the snowman? Butternut Squash 
Total weight gain/loss?  I'm up a total of 5 lbs from when we transferred him, my stomach keeps on growing and I'm measuring ahead of 35 weeks based on that so I'm not worried and no one at the dr office seems to think this is anything to be worried about.
Maternity clothes?  I'm not buying any more, I've got enough shirts and 2 pair of jeans to get me through till the end I think!  However, I am on the hunt for some comfy slippers that can double as real shoes bc I'm pretty sure wearing flip flops is going to get old soon!
Sleep?  2 nights ago I was up till 1am and then woke up at 6 which was more than a little annoying.  Overall though, still no real sleep issues!  Up multiple times a night to pee but still able to go back to sleep after. 
Best moment this week? hmmmmm over the last 3 weeks we had 2 baby showers!  My friends are the sweetest and we felt the love at both of them!  We also houseguests over the Thanksgiving holiday including their adorable 13 month old, who helped us identify the areas of our living room that are most in need of baby proofing lol.  The BEST moment of the last few weeks though is finding out that one of my best friends from high school is expecting and due in May!  She is going to be the best mom and I'm SO happy for her and her hubby!
Symptoms? I had some major swelling the other week (Nov 17 it started).  Like my (not dainty) calves went all the way down to my feet which had toddler fat rolls on them.  It came on really quickly and freaked me out. Of course it started on Friday evening and kept up all weekend, I called my OB and got in to see them on Monday, my blood pressure was still good, although higher than it was the week before, and they did some blood work and tests for pre-e just to be on the safe side.  All that came back was my iron was almost low so I'm a mild supplement for that now.  There was talk of me having to do a 24 hour urine test, which is where you have to pee into a jug for 24 hours....that sounded, terrible, its the only word.  I'm very grateful to avoid that particular test!  I lived in compression socks and somehow managed to up my water intake which seems to have taken care of the issue for now.
Food cravings?  still no real cravings, hummus and pretzel chips have sounded good lately....
Food aversions?  still none either,
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? Braxton Hicks contractions have started up, nothing too bad thankfully, and I'm noticing more pressure on my pelvis which I hope means he's moving that direction!
Belly button in or out? its still in, I think it will stay that way??? (crosses fingers)
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  Although, I did have a glass of wine a few weeks ago.  It was heavenly.  It was a small glass, I sipped it and there are studies that show it can actually be beneficial in small doses when you get this far along.   
What I'm looking forward to?  I want my house put back together.  I've been on a closet purging kick lately.  I'm really into throwing all our stuff away to make room for ALL the stuff a baby needs.  The storage room has been mostly cleared out, (and moved to the garage) and I just need to get some shelves in there to organize stuff and store things that we don't need right this second but will in the next few months. 
Milestones?   I feel him moving downward which is kind of cool,
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are the last 3 weeks of pictures!

32 weeks

How far along? 32 weeks
How big is the snowman? He's a tub of popcorn this week 
Total weight gain/loss?  last week at my dr appointment I was up to 225, so I've officially gained from where I was when we transferred the snowman/tiny terrorist.  I've not weighed myself this week, stomach is bigger, the rest of me feels pretty much the same so I'm not too worried about it.
Maternity clothes?  I bought a super cute shirt for Thanksgiving that says "thankful and blessed" on the stomach
Sleep?  still no real sleep issues, I'm up 2-3 times a night to pee but haven't really had any issues falling back asleep after.  I'm EXHAUSTED after work and staying up until 10pm is a struggle, but I notice if I go to bed much earlier than that I do have issues falling back to sleep after my 3am pee break.
Best moment this week?  Last week I started my new job!  My work view has gone from this...

 To this.....

Symptoms? still not pooping on the regular.  It's still not fun.  The exhaustion from the first tri is back, although I can function so its not quite 1st tri bad I guess.  Mild heartburn, but 2 tums takes care of it right away. 
Food cravings?  still no real cravings, I'm eating cereal for dinner quite a bit but that's more of a lazy issue as opposed to a "omg have to have it" issue.
Food aversions?  still none either,
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? Braxton Hicks contractions have started up, nothing too bad thankfully
Belly button in or out? in, at this point I'm pretty much hoping it stays in.....
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  We're SOOOOO CLOSE to getting the nursery done.  We have the recliner, the dresser, cradle my dad built and crib for after he outgrows the cradle.  As soon as we get things up on the wall we'll be done with what we can do.  The walls still need to be painted, but that is getting done by the professionals sometime between now and mid Dec so I am not too stressed about it.
Milestones?   is it weird to consider BH contractions a milestone? it makes me realize that we're actually getting really close to meeting this little guy!
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are pics from this week and last week when I was a slacker and forgot to update lol! (excuse the crazy eyes in the 32 week picture, it was early and I was a little manic trying to not look all sleepy eyed squinty lol)

30 Weeks

How far along?  30 weeks
How big is the snowman?  He's a jumbo bag of chips or a tub of ice cream this week!
Total weight gain/loss?  I haven't weighed myself this week....I also haven't pooped in a week so I'm not sure my weight would be terribly accurate.  I will get weighed next week at the Dr and we'll see where I'm at!
Maternity clothes?  thankfully my friend Michelle gave me some maternity clothes with some (all of) the baby clothes her little ones have grown out of.  I start my new job next week and will have to be in the office, around the same people EVERY DAY which means they likely would have started to notice that I had 4 maternity shirts lol.
Sleep?  OMG I am still sleeping.  I need to find all the wooden things and knock on them because I am terrified of pregnancy insomnia kicking in, I am treasuring ALL the sleep I can get right now. 
Best moment this week?  I'm going with worst moment this week to switch it up.  Spence woke up yesterday not feeling especially great.  Stomach issues that resulted in many bathroom trips, body aches, general malaise etc.  We both agreed that it was best he not be around me much and he slept on the couch.  It was so weird for him to be sick and me to not try to take care of him! He was probably ok with it, when he gets sick all he really wants is to be left alone, which I am TERRIBLE at. 
Symptoms? my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".... OK I've been delicate about this issue up to now.  TMI coming but OMG I just miss pooping.  Last night knowing the issues Spencer was having I was honest to God jealous he was sick because he got to poop. I just want to go to the bathroom without the aid of Colace, miralax or magnesium supplements (none of which have been doing a stellar job lately).

Food cravings?  Mr. Goodcents chocolate chip cookies are amazing.  I might have had 2 of them today, I admit nothing.

Food aversions?  not this week

Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? not a one, thankfully!
Belly button in or out? in...although I'm wondering how much longer I've got with that.  I hope that it stays in....the outies kinda freak me out...
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  my first baby shower is on Sunday!  I'm so excited to celebrate with family!
Milestones?   I'm not sure there are any this week....
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   I'm trying to get pics loaded....it's not going well haha.
OK finally got pictures on here....

29 Weeks

How far along? 29 weeks today! (Well I wrote this Wednesday and its not getting published till Friday but whatever)
How big is the snowman?  He's a Gizmo (the cute version of a gremlin)
Total weight gain/loss?  I weighed myself yesterday (well the Dr office did) and I was at 219, which is 3 lbs down from where we transferred, my Dr hasn't said anything about my weight at all (other than at my first appointment with her where she said it was expected I'd gain 20-30 lbs and that was normal) so I'm not stressing about it either way.  The little man is growing and so is my belly so that's really all that matters lol.
Maternity clothes? love em.  Might never give the pants up. 
Sleep?  OMG last night I woke up with what felt like heart burn....but I was lying down and it kinda felt like I was going to yak.  I was able to go back to sleep but I was up for about 20 minutes.
Best moment this week?  accepting a new job at work that will keep me home and not in a hotel 3 weeks a month! 
Symptoms?  my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".  If I'm not wearing compression socks and am on my feet a lot I have HUGE ankles and very squishy feet by the end of the day.<---- also="" biggie="" care="" chewable="" creeping="" have="" heartburn="" i="" in="" it="" mild="" no="" noticed="" occasionally="" of="" p="" same="" some="" still="" take="" the="" though="" tums="">

Food cravings?  still not any "OMG if I don't have this RIGHT NOW I'm going to go ape shit" cravings....I'm starting to think I built cravings up too much in my head before getting pregnant

Food aversions?  eh. not so much, I'm noticing smells a lot again, that had mainly tapered off in the 2nd trimester, but I'm pretty averse to foods that smell gross to me lately lol!

Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? not a one, thankfully!
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  getting the nursery painted so we can hang all the stuff on the walls and it will start to feel finished....even if its not.  I'm not sure the painting will happen till early Dec so we may go ahead and get things all set up and then just have the painters move it all when they come....
Milestones?  He just moves ALL THE TIME and I love it. 
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are pics from this week!

28 weeks

How far along? 28 weeks today!
How big is the snowman?  a bow of cereal
Total weight gain/loss?  I haven't weighed myself.....2 weeks ago at the dr I was right at the weight I was when we transferred, within a pound.  We spent all last week eating our way through NYC so heaven only knows where I am now!
Maternity clothes? love em.  Might never give the pants up. 
Sleep?  I can still sleep JUST FINE, I'm waking up about 1-2 times per night to pee but am able to go back to sleep pretty quickly after.  I hear that this can change in the 3rd trimester....which I'm in now so we'll see!
Best moment this week?  I'm going to go with the best moment from last week when we were in NYC, we saw 2 Broadway shows and EVERY TIME the music started the tiny terrorist just started squirming and moving all around, it was the cutest thing ever!
Symptoms? my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".  If I'm not wearing compression socks and am on my feet a lot I have HUGE ankles and very squishy feet by the end of the day. 

Food cravings?  meh, I think ice cream sounds amazeballs, but so does 90% of the population so I'm not so sure we can call that a true craving.

Food aversions?  eh. not so much, I'm noticing smells a lot again, that had mainly tapered off in the 2nd trimester, but I'm pretty averse to foods that smell gross to me lately lol!

Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? not a one, thankfully!
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  We finally went and bought a crib, dresser and glider last week!  I'm looking forward to starting to get the nursery put together now!
Milestones?  According to my Sprout app if the tiny terrorist were to be born now (after 27 weeks) he has a very good chance of surviving and eventually being "normal".  So that's comforting?
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are pics from 27 weeks and this week!

26 weeks....and a few days.

How far along? 26 weeks and a few days.  I've been working non stop for 5 weeks and literally haven't had a second to even think about posting!
How big is the snowman?  a package of Oreos lol
Total weight gain/loss? I think I'm finally back up to where I was when we transferred, or within a pound or two. 
Maternity clothes? love em.  Might never give the pants up. 
Sleep?  So far I've been able to sleep pretty well, I'm up about once a night to go to the bathroom, but usually don't have any problems falling straight back to sleep.
Best moment this week?  Tomorrow, when I have my first day off in 5 weeks lol.
Symptoms? my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".  Since getting back from TX and not standing around in the 100 degree heat my ankles have (blessedly) stayed their correct size.  HOWEVER, next week we're going to be on vacation in NYC and I'll be doing a lot more walking/standing, so we'll see!

Food cravings? no cravings yet.  Eh, maybe we can say quesadillas, cheese only please.  I don't think I'm "craving" them per say, but if nothing else sounds good I can be persuaded to eat one lol.

Food aversions? I don't really want to eat veggies, but I think I'm gonna have to be a real live grown up and do it anyway....

Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? nope, but I have been told that Braxton Hicks contractions can start at any time....
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  Now that we've replaced the carpet in the nursery we can start to actually decorate! --- HA HAHAHAA this was my answer 3 weeks ago and thanks to my work schedule we still haven't even attempted to start the nursery....
Milestones?  Spence was able to feel him move last week, it was the coolest thing.  Last night while I was trying to go to sleep the tiny terrorist (little mans nickname b/c when he wants or doesn't want something I'm basically a hostage and have to give in)  was just kicking away, Spence just laid there with his hand on my stomach and felt him while I drifted off, it was the cutest.
Bump? it's not going anywhere lol.   Here are pictures from the last 3 weeks!

 

 

Pregnant and on the road

....for work that is.  Thanks to Hurricane Harvey kicking the crap out of the Gulf parts of TX I am currently hanging out in Houston, TX.  I'm not doing inspections (thank God), I'm working at one of our MCC's or Mobile Claim Centers.  We have 3 huge luxury busses that are outfitted with all kidns of awesome technology, grills, coffee makers, awnings etc that are driven cross country for events like this and set up to help our customers.  We file claims, answer questions, cook food give out drinks, charge phones, direct people to where they should be if its not with us (FEMA for example) or anything else we can do to make this really trying time slightly less awful.

The real fun for me is that the bus is staffed by volunteers from all over the company and country.  You get a chance to meet coworkers that you'd never interact with on a normal basis.  For example this time one of our execs volunteered, in his real job he's an attorney and in charge of claim litigation out of AZ, but for the last 6 days he's been cooking hot dogs and greeting our customers as they walk into the bus area.  We have people from our antique auto department, contents valuation and even direct services (they deal with internal customers and policy info).  This event we have also started to have therapy dogs come up to the bus for people to pet and help them process all the emotions that go into this ordeal.  It's been amazing to see the impact it has on some customers (and on the workers too, we get as much out of the dogs being there as anyone). 

Now normally I'm used to working 12 hour days and just rolling with it.  However, being 22-23 weeks pregnant has made this a different situation.  For one thing edema has kicked it, my ankles start the day normal sized but the combo of being *this* pregnant, 100 degree heat, standing and walking all day and just bad luck all combine to make them the same size of my calves by about noon.  I'm also not used to people fussing over me...like at all.  I'm an adjuster and used to hauling my ladder around, climbing roofs, wading through flood muck and just taking it all in stride.  I've never had so many people tell me to take a break, go sit in the bus with the AC, put my feet up, force Gatorade on me/tell me to drink more water and make sure I've eaten in my life.  Its all done in a nice way, and from a good place and I truly appreciate it, but its definitely a change!   One big perk though is that when we move to Houston tomorrow the rest of the bus crew is all staying in "Farmers Village" or as I like to call it "tent city".  Which we set up because we have a ton of people in an area where there aren't a lot of hotel rooms, they basically set up army style barracks and its like low level glamping (with cold showers) from what I can tell.  Thanks to the tiny terrorist (my current fav nickname for the baby) I get an actual hotel room and that is one perk I have no interest in turning down! 

This is likely my last deployment before I (hopefully soon) find a new job within the company and I'm really enjoying it!  Getting to work the bus is something I wanted to do before I roll off CRT and it's been as much fun and just as fulfilling as I imagined!

Our group in front of the Mobile Claim Center

 

This is legit the size of the mosquitos.  I've been spraying myself with 40% deet every few hours when I'm working to try and avoid bites.  There haven't been any zika cases from local mosquitos in Corpus Christi or in Houston but I figured better to be safe than sorry.

We did get to see some beautiful sunrises on the way to work in the morning.

This is a house in Rockport TX, the wood shakes are literally blown upright by the wind but didn't break off (my guess is due to the humidity?)

The hurricane bent these trees in half but they didn't break.

The car made my belly look bigger than normal and I thought it was HILARIOUS.  I wonder if this is what it'll look like in a few months?

23 weeks

How far along? 23 weeks....I missed a few weeks of posting
How big is the snowman?  this week it's a banana or a large grapefruit
Total weight gain/loss? When I left home last Tuesday I was still down 4.5 from when we transferred, I haven't weighed myself since I've been here and probably won't until I get home from this work trip
Maternity clothes? I'm 100% in maternity pants now.  Regular pants are kind of the devil. 
Sleep?  I've been working outside in the TX heat for the last week and it shows!  I've been in bed and sound asleep before 9pm most nights and sleeping hard until about 5am, then light sleep until my alarm goes off around 6.
Best moment this week?  I feel him move ALL THE TIME and I just LOVE it.
Symptoms? my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".  This week with the standing in the 100 degree heat I can add swollen ankles to the list....oh joy!  I bought some socks that say they are compression socks so I'm hoping that helps....

Food cravings? no cravings yet. 
Food aversions? I don't really want to eat veggies, but I think I'm gonna have to be a real live grown up and do it anyway....
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  Now that we've replaced the carpet in the nursery we can start to actually decorate!
Milestones?  I feel all the moves he makes I think and I just love it.  I can't wait until Spence can feel him too!
Bump? yea....it's there.  It keeps growing which is a very good thing!  It feels hard when I push on it and I think its "rounding" out a little bit more too. Here are pictures from the last 3 weeks!

 

4:30am in my hotel room in Corpus Christi.....I have no idea why I'm smiling!

 

Leaving Corpus Christi and heading to Houston to work with Hurricane Harvey customers

HALFWAY THERE.....aka 20 weeks

How far along? 20 weeks, HALFWAY THERE
How big is the snowman?  a can of soda or a banana depending on who you ask apparently!
Total weight gain/loss? Still gaining, I went up another pound or two this week so I'm about 5lbs down since we transferred in April
Maternity clothes? I think I'm going to have to switch over soon.  I'm rocking the belly band for my work pants, mainly because I think this is the last deployment for work I'll have and I don't want to invest in maternity work pants, but I'm not gonna lie the maternity pants I have are WAY more comfortable!
Sleep?  I'm still working CRT hours and pretty done in by the end of the day, I haven't had any insomnia yet which I'm really grateful for!
Best moment this week?  finally saying something on social media about the snowman
Symptoms? my main symptom is still the ever present "bathroom issues".  I'm fine with food now, no hangover feelings after eating at all now.  I haven't had any other aches or pains yet thankfully!
Food cravings? no cravings yet. 
Food aversions? I don't really want to eat veggies, but I think I'm gonna have to be a real live grown up and do it anyway....
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.  
What I'm looking forward to?  Just seeing how much bigger this belly is gonna get.....
Milestones?  We got it confirmed by ultrasound that he is indeed a  boy
Bump? Still showing up!  Since last week I can really only wear my work pants buttoned way down or with the belly band, theres really no trying to button them over the bump at this point......

Going Public

I've written about our issues with infertility, the IVF process and my pregnancy so far on here, mostly because I never told anyone I started writing on here again and I knew it was unlikely that anyone would stumble on it.  I purposely have not posted anything about our IVF timeline, or subsequent pregnancy on any (other) social media sites.  The reasons are....complex. 

At first it was obviously because if the IVF hadn't worked it's not something you want to discuss with your 665 Facebook friends and 192 Instagram followers, half of whom you haven't seen in person or talked to in lets call it 10 years. Then once we knew it had worked, it was so early and anything can happen, so we kept it quiet for the same reasons.  Once we were a few months in and had started to tell our family and close friends (the ones that if something had gone wrong we would have needed to get through the trauma) I realized I still had no desire to do a cutesy Facebook announcement and started to think about why. 

I realized it was because for the last 3 years I've seen countless pregnancy announcements and as time went on and we weren't getting any closer to having our own tiny human they got harder and harder to see.  At one point seeing one resulted in me downing glasses (ok fine, bottles) of wine and ugly crying.  It wasn't because I wasn't happy for whatever family was getting their BFP (big fat positive, like on a pregnancy test),  but I was just so, so sad for me and Spence.  It made me feel broken, highlighted feelings that I wasn't good enough and made me question why this was happening to us.  It made me feel like God wasn't listening to me when I prayed, for answers or for guidance or at the very least for peace. It makes you start to draw comparisons, and not in a flattering way (like the judging other people and wondering why they are "good enough" to get to be parents and we aren't type thing, I'm not proud of it but it totally happened).  I realized that I didn't want to make anyone else going through infertility feel the way I've felt the last few years. 

At first it was easy to just not mention the fact I was growing a tiny human on social media, I'm not someone who posts every little thing on there anyway, and I write on here for updates and pictures so I am still documenting this awesome thing that's (finally) happening.  The first trimester I was basically a blob and slept 12+ hours a day and didn't do anything anyway.  Then after the 14 week mark I started to get more energy and see friends more, and we started to tell people as we saw them, or talked to them on the phone etc.  It hasn't been a secret that I'm pregnant, and it started to feel disingenuous to not post things on social media for some reason. 

So that brings me to this post. I wanted to say something on social media, but I wanted to give people some warning in case they are dealing with infertility.  Trying to be sensitive to other people, without dimming the excitement we're feeling at finally moving forward with our family.

 

 

Spencer and I are over the moon about our little man joining us in January.  It's been a long terrible journey to get to this point but the outcome promises to be worth every tear, sad glass of wine and question about why it wasn't our turn yet.  He is worth every test we had to go through, every shot I had to take (and trust me the needles in that picture are not all of them by a long shot- pun intended). 

 

 We can't wait to meet him!

  

19 Weeks

How far along? 19 weeks
How big is the snowman?  this week it's an heirloom tomato....which seems like a very specific type of tomato. 
Total weight gain/loss? I started to gain this week!  I'm at 7 lbs down overall based on the scale the other day.
Maternity clothes? I have a shipment from Old Navy that is supposed to arrive today!  I'm VERY excited. 
Sleep?  The last week and a half I've been working CRT hours, meaning 7 days a week and 10+ hours a day.  This means that when I get home I'm DONE.  I've been in bed by 9 most nights and sleeping until usually 7am easily.
Best moment this week?  a friend from work had her baby shower and it was awesome to get together with work friends!  We all met when we were on the cat team together, everyone but me has moved on to other positions since then so it's great to see everyone!
Symptoms? I'm good with food again (hence the weight moving up I think). The lack of bathroom movement is something that's still hanging on though.  I've started having round ligament pain, that actually started last week but I didn't know what it was!
Food cravings? no cravings yet, but baby steps, I'm no longer totally grossed out by food. 
Food aversions? not so much, I did try to eat a cucumber the other day and that was GROSS.  Sad, because I really like cucumbers usually!
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? its still raw fish and booze.  I don't really see this changing.   
What I'm looking forward to?  We go in for our anatomy scan in 1 week!
Milestones?  nothing this week so far
Bump? Still showing up!  I've been wearing my pre pregnancy work pants to go look at claims, I can tell a difference from when I started wearing them and now.  I have to have them pulled way down (which makes the butt look saggy and weird) or unbuttoned when I drive or am sitting in my car b/c the bump is not down with the waistband!  They still fit just fine when I'm standing.....although I'm not sure how much longer that is going to last, I've noticed its less comfortable than it was 10 days ago!

18 weeks....this feels like it's gone very fast.

How far along? 18 weeks
How big is the snowman?  a pear according to an app on my phone or a croissant (which sounds DELISH right now)
Total weight gain/loss? I weighed myself the other day and I am still holding steady at around 8 lbs down from when we transferred
Maternity clothes? I still only have the jean shorts I bought from target, but I think I'm about to invest in some more pants!
Sleep?  I can still sleep 10 hours at a stretch, but when I'm awake now I'm actually able to function which is awesome!
Best moment this week?  its kind of a good thing bad thing situation, KC got some really terrible storms and a lot of people had damage from drain back up (that's the bad) BUT it means I get to be "deployed" for work and make some extra money so its totally a good thing for me!
Symptoms? The food thing is still a semi issue, now I'm only feeling hungover after eating less than half the time-- much better than a few weeks ago! The bathroom issues have persisted....I'm thinking its going to be a constant issue until this kid makes his appearance.
Food cravings? I'm still not hungry overall, I am eating, but not very healthy. 
Food aversions? meh, none really but no cravings either 
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? I miss raw fish....and booze, but mainly raw fish. 
What I'm looking forward to?  We go in for our anatomy scan in 2 weeks!
Milestones?  I think I might have felt him move last week, I'm not 100% sure, but it felt different and like a nudge from inside so I'm saying it was him moving around!
Bump? its starting to show up, I had brunch with some friends last week and one of their first comments was "you're showing" lol. The pictures from this week I feel like the bump shows up more than it has before.  Here's a progression over the last few weeks.

Until I compared these photos I had no idea how much the bump had started to pop!

Now thats a baby bump

So as I've been going along with this pregnancy I keep looking at the "bump" pictures I've been taking and most of the time I can tell there's a baby bump but I'm pretty sure no one else would think it is super obvious (totally normal at this point).  Despite being not skinny I've never carried my weight in my stomach, so the bump I see is OBVIOUSLY a baby bump in my mind, but really if you haven't been scrutinizing my body for the last 4 months then it's probably not obvious.

Then yesterday I looked down at my stomach and was like "whoa baby that's a baby bump"

14 weeks today!

How far along? 14 weeks
How big is the snowman?  a nectarine, getting bigger!
Total weight gain/loss? last I checked I was still down about 7 lbs overall from when we transferred, I'm sure it will all come back with a vengeance sooner than later!
Maternity clothes? Even though I'm down weight-wise overall the bump is starting to make an appearance so I actually did go buy some maternity shorts since I know I'll need them later this summer. 
Sleep?  I can still sleep 10 hours at a stretch, but when I'm awake now I'm actually able to function which is awesome!
Best moment this week?  We got to spend a great day down at the fireworks stand with friends and watch a fantastic show for the 4th of July
Symptoms? I'm not really able to eat before noon without feeling like I have a hangover for hours afterwards, baby likes refined carbs still BUT I was able to eat some green beans and raspberries yesterday which is the first time since about week 6 that anything kind of healthy has been palateable. The bathroom issues continue, I've found that using Natural Calm works better than Miralax which is nice.
Food cravings? I'm still not hungry overall, I am eating, but not very healthy. 
Food aversions? all food. 
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? I want nigiri! 
What I'm looking forward to?  we go in for our anatomy ultrasound like 5 weeks, I'm excited for that!
Milestones?  I'm into the 2nd Trimester, I've been promised I'll start to like food again at some point this trimester and I'm pumped.
Bump? its starting to show up, here are some pictures from the last few weeks!

11 Weeks along

How far along? 11 weeks today
How big is the snowman?  size of a fig (although I can't actually picture how big a fig is, I know its bigger than an olive or grape bc that was last week....)
Total weight gain/loss? last I checked I was still down about 5 lbs overall from when we transferred
Maternity clothes? not even close
Sleep? ALL the sleep.  I can seriously sleep 10 hours at a stretch and still think a nap doesn't sound bad
Best moment this week?  eh, this week has been pretty average HOWEVER I have been able to do 2 weights workouts which felt great.
Symptoms? nausea, tiredness, and the bloat.  I'm not really able to eat before noon without feeling vomity and eating anything remotely healthy is really a no go, baby likes refined carbs and only refined carbs. Also (TMI warning) going to the bathroom is just not happening, so that's contributing to the bloat as well.
Food cravings? food overall doesn't sound appealing, at all.  BUT if I am going to eat its going to be a carb.
Food aversions? all food. 
Gender? team blue!
Labor signs? dear lord I hope not
Belly button in or out? in
What I miss? massages, I tried to get a foot massage (I read that as long as they avoid the acupressure points on the ankle and don't press too hard its ok), when I told them about Snowman they basically rubbed lotion on my legs for 30 minutes and it was very not what I was looking forward to.
What I'm looking forward to?
Milestones? Snowman starts producing testosterone this week
Bump? the bump is all bloat right now

Trying to workout.....

So I finally got the go ahead to start working out again.  I've basically been sidelined since starting IVF due to potential complications etc.  So its been a solid 6 months of no major activity, coupled with the exhaustion of the first trimester and finally adding in that this kid DOES NOT like anything but pizza (and no food before noon) and reacts to fruits/veggies like I'm trying to commit filicide my nutrition has been less than on point and we have the perfect situation for awesome workouts......or the exact opposite of that. 

Last week Spence and I met with a new trainer at Lifetime (our old trainer doesn't work there anymore, but we had sessions built up we wanted to use before we start working out with our old trainer at his new place) and went over goals, got to know each other etc.  I told the trainer my main goal is to get strong so labor isn't as bad as it might be otherwise, and to tone my upper body so that my arms look good in photos, because vanity.  I outlined that I had no illusions of losing weight or getting smaller until this whole "growing a person" thing is done, but I'd like to get stronger and try to tone up as much as I can.  It's good to have goals right? 

First workout I decided that I really needed to try and be healthy so I had a green smoothie with protein powder.  Please see above paragraph about how this baby feels about fruits/veg.  So I got through 1 set of exercises (chest presses and flys) and we moved over to squats and lunges.....where I got through 1 set of squats and 2 lunges --2 individual lunges not 2 sets just to be clear-- and then I almost died.  No, not literally, but I wanted to.  The nausea got way worse and I got super light headed, it took almost everything in me to not just lay down on the (gross) floor of the gym and take a nap.  I went home and immediately went back to bed and didn't move much for the rest of the day. 

Fast forward to today, Travis (new trainer) revamped the middle of the workout (the part where I almost died) to include more "sitting exercises" as I like to call them and emailed me a copy of it so I could do it on my own.  Spence had his first session with Travis today so I went up there as well to see how much I could get done before dying.  TURNS OUT that eating a slice of pizza instead of a super healthy smoothie with protein before a weights workout is an excellent idea if you're me and 10 weeks pregnant.  I got through the whole workout, sans puking or wanting to die, and did some cardio afterwards while I was waiting for Spence to be done (my workout is way shorter than his due to the exhaustion, inactivity for 6 mos etc.). 

8 Week Ultrasound

Well, as of today I'm officially released from my RE and back to my normal OB. 

After almost 3 years of trying to have a baby I'm officially pregnant, or as I keep saying to Spence "I'm legit pregnant".  It's surreal. 

We saw Snowman again yesterday, measuring right on target and the Dr. and nurse said it all looks 100% healthy and normal.  Heartbeat was right on target at 158bpm, and from what you can see this early on everything looks great! 

We've started to tell a few people, which makes it all feel even more real.  It also makes it feel super scary because if something goes wrong and I miscarry suddenly there are a lot more people that we'd need to tell (a lot is a subjective number, a lot compared to just Spence and I). 

I got so nervous before our scan, I was a fraction less tired a few days before the ultrasound, still utterly exhausted mind you, but I was able to stay up past 9pm and suddenly my head started going a thousand directions, none of them ended in happy thoughts in case you were wondering.  I'm so glad we have had our 2 scans and gotten to confirm our little ones heartbeat etc. but I think the scans are also a little stressful for me! Suddenly, I end up freaking out that even though NOTHING has happened that would lead me to believe that something had gone wrong what if it was a missed miscarriage?  I need to work on my deep breathing and trying to stay not stressed lol. 

6 week ultrasound

After the last beta test I set up 2 ultrasounds, one for 6 weeks and the other for 8 weeks.  The 6 week ultrasound was on 5/10, and we decided to have our parents over on the 12th to tell them that they were going to be grandparents! We went in on the 10th for the ultrasound, the nurse warned me that our Dr was probably going to talk a lot and not say much, which turned out to be true.  We got to see the gestational sac, the yolk sack and what looked like the heart beat!  Seeing that flutter made my heart so happy!  They said that when we go back next Wednesday we won't even recognize snowman bc he/she will have grown so much.  Snowman looked like a tadpole for the most part and they said next week Snowman will resemble more of a gummy bear. 

We planned to have everyone over on Friday the 12th to tell our parents the good news, it went really well!  We cleaned the whole house and the screened in porch was finally painted and finished as well.  I say "we" cleaned the whole house, lets be honest here Spence cleaned the whole house and I tried super hard to stay awake past 730pm every night.  This tiredness is NO JOKE.  Even at the height of my adrenal fatigue a few years back I haven't experienced this level of exhaustion.  I've also noticed the last 2 or 3 days that my temper is getting really short.  I'm training a group of new hires and I can't help but feel bad for them because I am not the even keeled happy person I usually am in a training class.  My boobs aren't nearly as sore as they were at first which is awesome.  I've felt nauseated on and off, usually when I haven't had enough water that day, so at least its easy to counteract and I have yet to actually feel like I might throw up.  Overall I'm calling it a win.  

Not much else to update as of now, I'm 7 weeks today.  Next Wednesday is our 8 week ultrasound and if all goes well I'll be released from the RE and back to my OB.  I can't believe that in a week I might be considered a "normal" pregnancy!

And then there was blood....

So after our 2nd beta test when I found out that my HCG more than doubled I started to let myself get excited.  I was telling Spencer how excited I was allowing myself to get, talking about names, talking about how we plan to tell our parents in a few weeks and all those fun things that you start to think about when you find out that you're growing a person. 

5 minutes later I got up to go to the bathroom and saw some bright pink blood. Barely any, but still blood. 

Blood is not something you want to see when you are newly pregnant (OMG I'm pregnant).  Per the google machine there are a variety of reasons that you can spot that are not bad news, but you know what every single one of those websites also says? miscarriage. 

It's Friday night, my doctor is gone, the emergency line would be excessive right now and frankly, if it is bad news I know there is literally nothing that anyone can do.  It's too early for an ultrasound, its too early for any kind of intervention.  I wasn't having any major cramps, and it was a TINY amount of blood, so the rational side of my brain is telling me that its probably 100% fine, however, as I've previously mentioned, the rational side of my brain is SO NOT the side in control right now.

It stopped immediately, and hasn't started up again.  I'm not too worried right this second, but my heart stopped when I saw that blood. 

Final Beta test.....

And the results are in.....WE DOUBLED AGAIN!  884, 552 would have been doubling so this is a great number!  I just can't quite process that this might actually be happening....

2nd Beta Test

It's been a tense 2 days at the house waiting for it to be the day of the 2nd beta test.....drumroll please....we more than doubled!  I had 3 FRER tests at home, I used 1 before the 1st beta, 1 the day of the first beta, skipped a day, and used the last one today before the 2nd beta.
The lines keep getting darker which is a good thing for me to see as it (kinda sorta not really) keeps the crazy at bay!

 

 

I know it's weird to take pictures of things that you've peed on, and before this whole process I did not think I'd ever be one of those people who took pictures of/kept things that I'd peed on....but let's be honest infertility does some weird things to your head and frankly I'm so excited to keep seeing 2 lines on there for the first time in 33 years that I don't even care that its gross (because it is, I know this). 

 

I am having some pretty intense cramping off and on, it started on Tuesday right after the first beta and then happened again today.  I'm hoping that its totally normal and nothing to worry about.  I keep hearing people talk about their uterus stretching and twinges etc....I hope that's all this is!

First Beta Test

Isaac is trying to figure out how long this whole process takes.....

So after you transfer your embryo the next major milestone that every IVF/FET gal waits for is the first beta test.  The beta test is a blood test that shows whether or not there is HCG is your system, HCG is the hormone that you secrete when you're pregnant.  All the other symptoms that I've been having up until now, (sore boobs, very tired etc) are things that the estrogen and progesterone supplements I'm taking can explain.  As of now my body isn't producing these hormones on its own, so these pills, patches and shots are what will sustain the pregnancy for the first few weeks/months until my body realizes that it needs to step it up.

Who doesn't want to start their day with a 2" needle in the booty?

Thankfully my clinic tests 8 days after the transfer, so its not nearly as long of a wait as it could be (the TWW or two week wait, is the time frame that's usually between transfer and testing). One of the things they tell you is that you should *never* use a home test, they aren't usually as sensitive as the blood test so you can get a negative on the home test even if there is HCG in your system.  I waited 6 days without testing, on the 7th day I couldn't hold out any more and POAS (peed on a stick, infertility jargon).  I got my very first positive pregnancy test.  EVER.  In my life.  I did it again this morning and was excited to see that the line was darker, also it showed up right away this morning, yesterday it took about 2 minutes to show up.  This tells me that the HCG is stronger today that it was yesterday, which is a really good sign.    My beta result today was at 62, when I asked the doctor on the 17th where the like to see the starting number at he said "anything in the upper double digits" and then went on to clarify that the first number isn't all that important.  Especially testing so early after transfer the initial figures can be all over the place depending on when the embryo actually implanted and started to secrete the HCG. The important part is that the figures rise on the subsequent tests.

After the initial beta test they re test again 2 days later, then again 2 days later (although in my case it will be 3 days because they don't test on the weekend).  This is just to make sure that the HCG is doubling/rising the way that it's supposed to.  So my fingers, toes, arms and legs are all crossed that when I go back the figures are up to the triple digits!

I think I peed the baby out

Suddenly after we transferred Snowman I'm noticing that every time I move, get bumped, jostled and/or breathe heavily I'm suddenly convinced that I had mortally damaged or wounded Snowman and I have a minor panic attack.  Now, let me be clear, I have taken an anatomy class, I'm aware of how the female reproductive system works, and that it is physically impossible to actually pee out the baby.  But, lets be honest, logic isn't playing into my head all that well.  I'm also noticing that every time I have a twinge or a minor cramp I suddenly start flashing to the "what happens after transfer" list and wonder if its possibly implantation starting, even though I know that its probably too early to tell, and that most people don't even actually feel implantation.  Add into it that thanks to the massive doses of progesterone and estrogen make "symptom spotting" a moot point, since the high levels of the hormones mimics early signs anyway and I'm laying low and going steadily crazy.

We transferred!  As I type this I am officially "pregnant until proven otherwise" which basically means they've transferred the embryo and now we have to wait and see if it implants and results in a pregnancy.  This post won't get published for a while, we're keeping this a little under wraps until we find out if it worked (aka that I'm pregnant).

Getting ready for the transfer, I'm 30 minutes into the valium pill and a little loopy here!

 

When we saw the photo of our embryo Spence commented that it looks like a snowman, so we've decided to call him/her Snowman/Snowy until we think of a more creative nickname (we don't know the gender yet, so technically embaby could be snowoman, but snowman rolls off the tongue a little more so we're going with that).  The embryologist said that when they defrosted snowy he/she started to expand and grow, so that's an excellent sign!

 

Spence practicing holding Snowman, he is doing this solely because I was on valium and asked him to, he's a good sport.

Successful transfer!  the blue circled area is where they implanted Snowman

 

 

Now that we're pregnant until proven otherwise we are just waiting to go in for blood work to test my HCG level.  I anticipate the days crawling from now until then!