My Dad.

In July 2014 my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  He passed away in Feb 2015, after being in the ICU for a week and a half with pneumonia. There are a million things I could write about my dad.  He was a phenomenal photographer, he was a marvelous wood worker.  He could cook (or so I've been told), he was quiet but not withdrawn, his favorite night was when he was in his chair with his dog Biscuit curled up with him.  There are always so many things that can be said *about* someone, but its so hard to capture someone's spirit.  I wish I was a better writer, or that I was more connected to him and had a better understanding of who he was.  My dad and I weren’t super close when I was growing up, a variety of reasons that are neither here nor there.  As I got older we saw each other more often, lunches and more phone calls etc.  After the diagnosis we saw each other more frequently, and the whole time he was in the hospital I was able to spend every day working from his room and we got to spend some quality time before he passed away.  The morning I found out that he died during the night was the worst day of my life.   

 

At my parents wedding

With his mom Ann and Dad Marshall

 

With his step dad Gene and mom at the reception

The average survival time for stage 4 lung cancer is 8 months, that was one of the first things I read on Web MD after I found out.  (I was subsequently banned from Web MD after hysterically calling Spencer with scary cancer facts for 2 days after)  The day after I found out about the diagnosis we were hanging out with some friends and I was holding their daughter, I remember thinking to myself that it was very unlikely that even if I got pregnant the next day that my dad would get to meet my kids.  – Sidenote: that night we went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy, you know the movie that opens with the mom dying of cancer? Thank God for the 3d glasses that hid 90% of the evidence that I was bawling, I hadn’t told any of my friends about the diagnosis so they would have been confused.  I think I almost broke Spencer’s hand I was gripping it so tightly so I wouldn’t react. 
 

 

 

 

 When I found out that my dad died I was obviously heartbroken because I was going to miss him, but I was also so upset because in my head I always saw us getting closer when I was older and a mom, he was such a great grandpa to my step siblings kids that I was excited to see how he was with my kids.  One of the worst things about losing someone so early in life is you feel cheated out of the things you never got to have.  I have the last voicemail he left me saved in 4 places, on it he tells me that I’m the best daughter in the world  and how much he loves me.  It’s one of my favorite things.  I miss my dad every day.